Waving and/or drowning

Waving and/or drowning

I have been sitting on a beach somewhere very end of Long Island. In the distance I see my date walking farther and farther in the ocean, who turns around to wave to me occasionally.

It is a beautiful day, seems a bit chilly for swimming but the water is getting warmer.

He and I left the city today for the first time together after I had declined his invitaiton to Catskill every weekend. (There is no way that I can go with him: I am mostly tied up for the agency for the weekend's shift.)

He is another beach fanatic, which is very typical of Russian people.

I barely explain what I do for my living to him: he is the first man that I have been a kind of dating (w/o getting paid for) w/o letting anything out). I am only a student to him who works in some straight industry as a parttimer, for day and some night shifts.

The sense of safety is a false concept. There is not such a thing as security in this world. However, that is what people are dying to establish. Whenever I sense any sentiment that seeks for security or stability creeping in myself, I remove it in a rush. That is something that goes against any excitement in my life.

When he drove me away from the city yesterday, though, I felt myself scared. The feeling was inexplicable. I might be scared of

1) being somewhere far in the condition where I have to depend on someone else.

2) getting close to him by this out of town experience.

3) having certain things, but major affairs in my life, hidden from him. It is questionable, after all, to get close to someone from whom I have to hide so much.

"You do not know how much you are missing out. Next time, you should bring your swimsuit with you," I can not help feeling lower hearing him say so.

"I have no swimsuit. Besides I don't swim in the ocean," I say to him to make a clear statement while we are walking on the shore. I start feeling dizzy when I feel water comes to the shore, scrapes sands between my feet and pulls back again. The ocean is such an attraction that I get scared. I am so fearful recently. I find myself to be so alone, although that has been the way it is all the time.

I might be better off to retreat before it is too late. The alarm has gone off in my mind while we are on the beach.